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| By National Institute of Mental Health (NIMH), National Institute of Health (NIH), U.S. Department of Health and Human Services. - https://www.nimh.nih.gov/health/publications/bipolar-disorder/index.shtml#pub1, Public Domain, https://commons.wikimedia.org/w/index.php?curid=80579612 |
Getting sick
is a typical part of one’s life. But however minor it may be, nobody wants to
experience such. We want to remain healthy and free of any medication. But what
if you’ve been diagnosed with an illness that would stick with you for the rest
of your life?
Pre-Hospitalization
Three years
ago, I was living nonchalantly as a law student in my second year. It was tough
but manageable. I was determined and set on a goal to finish that winding
journey despite some poor grades, bad recitations, and failed subjects. There
was still a chance, I kept consoling myself. Prayers and study time were there.
I also bonded well with my family and friends. Everything seemed right. However, things would go downhill one day.
My mind
started to be hyperactive, making me too alert and awake that I cannot go to
sleep. Back then I started to think that my brain overclocked like that of a
CPU. My mood was elevated unexplainably. I just thought it’s attributed to me
reading some articles on boosting your self-confidence. The tipping point of
all of those was what I considered as “vision” back then of nuclear war after my
sleepless nights. It made me cry so hard. Lastly, I became suspicious of the people
around me.
Attempts on
poisoning me, reading people’s minds, the house being bugged, FBI monitoring
me, and so on were just some of the things I felt that seemed so real. It felt
too realistic that when my Dad was telling me that we should go see a doctor
because something’s wrong with me, I didn’t believe him. It reached that point
where he had to ask four strangers to enter our home to forcibly bring me into
a vehicle. I knew back then I was done—finished. “I am not doing anything
wrong,” I told them. They would then reply I’d see a Doctor. I would, however,
interpret it as a moniker for their evil boss.
Confinement
My arrival
at what I considered as a safe house for kidnapped victims was rough. I
panicked. But everyone seemed so calm so I asked what’s wrong with them. I didn’t
know it was the other way around. I was the one in need of fixing. Those things
I experienced eventually had a label—delusions and hallucinations. I had
psychosis, a symptom of mental illness.
My stay
lasted for two months. During that period, I took medications, both oral and
injectable. My family was also allowed to visit me after my first month every
weekend. We were emotional during our first meeting as I faced them with the
realization of what had happened to me. As I was nearing my discharge, I was pumped
up to resume what I missed.
Discharge
Returning
home felt surreal. I was in disbelief about my behavior two months ago in the
same house. Was it really me? Did it ever really happen? Those were the questions
popping on my mind. But what I was certain was that it’s not the same anymore.
I can’t feel the excitement I envisioned and expected. I lost interest in
everything (called anhedonia) like playing games or watching movies. And my sleep
still hadn’t returned to how it’s used to be. “Is this the new normal that I
have to live with?”—I asked myself. So I researched how to fix my predicament. I
learned these could be an after-effect of having psychotic episodes, symptoms
of depression, negative (lack of or loss of) symptoms in mental illnesses like
schizophrenia, or side effect of my antipsychotic med.
I ended up
trying to seek help from a quack doctor, stopping my medications without Doc’s
approval, seeking opinions from two other psychiatrists, and switching
medication.
At present,
I can say that things have improved over the past three years that I’ve been on
meds and regular consultation with my original shrink. It’s just recently that
he confirmed that I indeed have Bipolar Disorder I. He claims it’s like a ticking
time bomb or an innate seed within me that went full blown after varied
stressors got the best of me. That’s why it just manifested at age 24 (going 28
this year).
In a Facebook
support group I was in, there was someone who said he has been on meds for a decade
and continuing. Reading that comment upon my discharge felt alarming. Who would
want to be on meds for life? Not me. But as days went by, I had accepted this
new life that’s before me.
Scripture
Among the many factors that helped me cope was this
verse (2 Corinthians 12: 7-9):
...Therefore, in order to keep me from becoming conceited, I was given a thorn in my flesh, a messenger of Satan, to torment me. Three times I pleaded with the Lord to take it away from me. But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” ...
Here, St. Paul the Apostle was given a thorn in the flesh that was not removed despite his deepest desire.
In exchange, it made him more humble and dependent on God’s grace. Meditating
on this passage made me thankful for the blessing of humility.
Key Things
Other
factors that helped me accept my diagnosis are the following:
1) Going
through the denial phase
Despite this
being a negative one, I think it’s important to highlight the role of this
stage in each person’s recovery whatever illness it may be. This helped me
transition toward the new normal and made me learn that holding on to what had
been in the past is not always healthy. It made me value what’s in store for
the fresh start I needed to have.
2) Discussing
in support groups
I did this
online through Facebook primarily. If you’re not yet feeling confident enough
to disclose your real identity (like me back then), a second account could help.
Do this until you’re confident enough to use your actual one. This outlet was
really helpful as you get to know people with similar situations and even chat
with them with their permission. Good support groups have established rules and
moderators to ensure members they are in a safe place even if it’s virtual.
Message me for those I recommend.
3) Try not
to overreact to people’s misconceptions
When I was
barely a month outside of the psychiatric ward I was in, I’d get triggered
easily by people who’d belittle mental illnesses. It would make me put myself
on an unnecessary mission to educate these ignorant people that it’s a real sickness.
But this made me anxious and stressed. Now, I learned that I can still spread
awareness in a chill and calm way. The key is to not take it personally. We are
not our disorders.
4) Keep your
condition a secret not due to shame but for your protection
Some might
say it’s okay for them to be open in talking about their mental health issues
with anyone. But based on my Doc’s advice and my experience, it’s better not to
mention it unless in very important cases. An example would be if you have
anxiety and panic attacks that would significantly affect your work. So take the
time to choose the person or people you’ll share this secret with as this can
be used against you (worst case scenario of course). When you get to pick the
right ones, it’ll feel rewarding and comforting at the same time.
Conclusion
I hope you
found my first entry worthy of your time. Though not yet 100% back to my
original self, I’m getting the hang of it. Let’s endure and enjoy our precious
life whatever circumstances we might be in or might face. Having bipolar
disorder or any mental illness is not easy. But with faith, professional help,
and a support system, we can keep going. You can send me a message at neoalva.info@gmail.com for questions or maybe casual conversations.
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