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| The big black dog as illustrated in the video by WHO. |
Perhaps the
most commonly talked about mental illness is what WHO describes as the big
black dog or simply known as depression. Much has already been said through
awareness campaigns, medical experts’ insights, and influencers who are going
through such. Despite that, misunderstanding the illness is still prevalent in
society, which leads to worsening the stigma on this silent battle.
My 20-Month Journey With Depression
After being
discharged from the psychiatric ward due to my psychotic break, my psychiatrist
initially diagnosed me of having bipolar disorder due to my manic episodes.
Weeks would go by, however, and we’d conclude next that I might now have major
depressive disorder. Symptoms like loss of interest (anhedonia), feeling of
emptiness, lack of motivation, and being lethargic were among the ones I
experienced during the few weeks after my discharge.
The world,
which was previously vibrant and colorful, was now like a dark and gray abyss.
Nothingness. I confided this with my shrink with my Dad beside me during our
follow-up consultations. Doc J would psychotherapy me every session and my Dad
would reiterate this on our way home. My meds remained. But I researched that
these psych meds may also be contributing to the (un)feeling I was going
through. Still, I stuck with the meds for the fear that a relapse of my
psychotic episodes would occur.
Days would
go on just the same. I would wake up after maybe just around 3 hours of sleep
(another symptom of depression is impaired sleep), take my breakfast, play 2K
or watch The Big Bang Theory (even though I can’t feel anything doing those),
stare at the ceiling, eat lunch, stare further at the ceiling because I didn’t
feel like doing anything, watch TV, eat dinner, and sleep.
But one
thing that stood out among the days during my depressive phase was when we
attended a funeral. On my mind, I was picturing how it will be when I was the
one being mourned about. I confided to an aunt present there about having
depression. She would then be astounded asking, “how would you be depressed
when your family’s just fine financially?” I would utter a fake smile as a
reply. Thankfully, her daughter would intervene and remark that “no, mom, as
they say, depression is hard to understand and it’s more than just mere sadness
or loneliness.” Yes, money, fame, and success don’t equate always to being free
of any illnesses like depression. It’s a condition like any other physical
ailments and even deadly at times if left unattended.
My Attempt
It’s the start
of the year 2018 but I wanted it all to end. The pain of feeling nothing, the
darkness of the bright sky, and the meaninglessness of my “precious” life had
been too much for me. I already wrote my note on my iPad. It made me somehow
feel guilty but I still would think that if they really love me they would
understand. It wasn’t being selfish; I was just caring for myself. Yes, that
was how irrational the thoughts were. I would then share this with a close
friend via Facebook and thankfully she offered a nonjudgmental listening ear
and sound advice. She would not discourage me but would offer words that would
make me doubt my negative thoughts. I would still, however, try to overdose on
antiallergy meds only to have hallucinations, seeing movements on walls. (sigh)
It just made me more hopeless and feel lame.
Clinging on Faith
Before all of
this happened, I can say I was already a religious and spiritual man. We would
attend mass every Sunday and I prayed the Rosary oftentimes. So I was
questioning God why did He have to give me this burden. Nonetheless, my staring
at the ceiling while lying on bed had been accompanied by watching Pastors
preach on Biblical verses on YouTube. It didn’t cure nor treat me medically but
it gave me hope for better days and it was enough to hold on. The verse below
sums it better:
The righteous cry
out, and the LORD hears them; he delivers them from all their troubles.—Psalm
34:17 NIV
This
encourages us to be righteous and confide to God our worries as He always
listens. And in His time, he would answer our prayers and free us from our
troubling situations. For my part, I had to endure 20 months for my depressive
phase to be lifted. Within those days I also reflected how pride (one of the 7
deadly sins) got the best of me. I realized that this sickness could possibly
be a tool to work on my character. It took an emotional toll, financial
resources, and missed out opportunities before taming the big black dog. I
offered many prayers within that period. But faith alone wasn’t enough. I had
to do my part to help myself.
Things to Do If You Have Depression
1) Seek
Professional Help
From a
therapist to a psychiatrist, you can never go wrong asking experts for their
intervention. Although some shrinks may not be good at their jobs, it is always
advisable to be clinically diagnosed on whatever your mind is going through.
Trusting the Internet just worsens your overthinking. I had to see 3 different
psychiatrists only to return to my original one. Though I got my prescription
for my current antipsychotic from the third one, I returned to my initial doc
for his no-nonsense psychotherapy sessions. I appreciate it better now than
before when I was in rock bottom. He really did say the right things.
2) Get Runner’s
High and Endorphins
I can vouch
for whatever studies there are telling exercise helps alleviate the symptoms of
depression. After having gone through two marathons (5km and 10km) plus the
runs I had on a treadmill, I can still recall that feeling of what they call as
“runner’s high.” It’s like you’re invincible. You’re not getting tired or
catching breath and just feels good though your feet are somehow taking its
toll. It makes you wanna run further and faster. That’s what’s addicting with
running. And if you accompany it with a 7am sunlight, it even gets better.
Endorphins are the hormones in the body produced during exercise like running.
Keep this at an optimal level and rest assured your depression will be in
check.
3) Nurture a Healthy Support
System
Family,
friends, relatives, and other loved ones or acquaintances deserve credit and
gratitude, however big or small their attempts are to help you during your
silent battle. When I was confused and didn’t know what to do with my negative
thoughts, I shared through Facebook what I was going through. I now see it as
attention-seeking attempt but I can’t take away the enormous amount of support
from friends. There are sympathy, compassion, and even tough love offered for
my soft, weakhearted self back then. Of course, my family was always there who
has been constant in pushing me to overcome the big hump. I know not all of us
are blessed to have a good support system like those with complicated family
members. But I hope you find the persistence to seek proper guidance from the
right people. However f’d up your life may be, there’s always a little bit of
goodness in humanity this world has to offer.
4) Keep the Faith
Last but not
the least, whatever your beliefs are, know that strengthening your spirituality
would go a long way. Just like Blaise Pascal, let’s wager God or a Supreme
Being exists as we got nothing to lose anyway unlike if we don’t believe. Among
the Pastors that I watched were Rick Warren, Joyce Meyers, Steven Furtick, and
Joel Olsteen. Websites like Desiring God and Got Questions were also helpful in
furthering my faith.
Conclusion
Some people
could have it worse. Remember to be grateful for the little things that we
have. While depression has no definite period on how long it lasts, we still
can live a meaningful life despite this difficult circumstance. All you have to
do is exist. That alone is enough. Do it at least for those who love you if you
no longer care for yourself. Tremendous blessings await for those who endure
trials in life. Together, let’s make depression tremble and make that big black
dog a tiny one.
