How to Fight Depression

The big black dog as illustrated in the video by WHO.

Perhaps the most commonly talked about mental illness is what WHO describes as the big black dog or simply known as depression. Much has already been said through awareness campaigns, medical experts’ insights, and influencers who are going through such. Despite that, misunderstanding the illness is still prevalent in society, which leads to worsening the stigma on this silent battle.

My 20-Month Journey With Depression

After being discharged from the psychiatric ward due to my psychotic break, my psychiatrist initially diagnosed me of having bipolar disorder due to my manic episodes. Weeks would go by, however, and we’d conclude next that I might now have major depressive disorder. Symptoms like loss of interest (anhedonia), feeling of emptiness, lack of motivation, and being lethargic were among the ones I experienced during the few weeks after my discharge.

The world, which was previously vibrant and colorful, was now like a dark and gray abyss. Nothingness. I confided this with my shrink with my Dad beside me during our follow-up consultations. Doc J would psychotherapy me every session and my Dad would reiterate this on our way home. My meds remained. But I researched that these psych meds may also be contributing to the (un)feeling I was going through. Still, I stuck with the meds for the fear that a relapse of my psychotic episodes would occur.

Days would go on just the same. I would wake up after maybe just around 3 hours of sleep (another symptom of depression is impaired sleep), take my breakfast, play 2K or watch The Big Bang Theory (even though I can’t feel anything doing those), stare at the ceiling, eat lunch, stare further at the ceiling because I didn’t feel like doing anything, watch TV, eat dinner, and sleep.

But one thing that stood out among the days during my depressive phase was when we attended a funeral. On my mind, I was picturing how it will be when I was the one being mourned about. I confided to an aunt present there about having depression. She would then be astounded asking, “how would you be depressed when your family’s just fine financially?” I would utter a fake smile as a reply. Thankfully, her daughter would intervene and remark that “no, mom, as they say, depression is hard to understand and it’s more than just mere sadness or loneliness.” Yes, money, fame, and success don’t equate always to being free of any illnesses like depression. It’s a condition like any other physical ailments and even deadly at times if left unattended.

My Attempt

It’s the start of the year 2018 but I wanted it all to end. The pain of feeling nothing, the darkness of the bright sky, and the meaninglessness of my “precious” life had been too much for me. I already wrote my note on my iPad. It made me somehow feel guilty but I still would think that if they really love me they would understand. It wasn’t being selfish; I was just caring for myself. Yes, that was how irrational the thoughts were. I would then share this with a close friend via Facebook and thankfully she offered a nonjudgmental listening ear and sound advice. She would not discourage me but would offer words that would make me doubt my negative thoughts. I would still, however, try to overdose on antiallergy meds only to have hallucinations, seeing movements on walls. (sigh) It just made me more hopeless and feel lame.

Clinging on Faith

Before all of this happened, I can say I was already a religious and spiritual man. We would attend mass every Sunday and I prayed the Rosary oftentimes. So I was questioning God why did He have to give me this burden. Nonetheless, my staring at the ceiling while lying on bed had been accompanied by watching Pastors preach on Biblical verses on YouTube. It didn’t cure nor treat me medically but it gave me hope for better days and it was enough to hold on. The verse below sums it better:

The righteous cry out, and the LORD hears them; he delivers them from all their troubles.—Psalm 34:17 NIV

This encourages us to be righteous and confide to God our worries as He always listens. And in His time, he would answer our prayers and free us from our troubling situations. For my part, I had to endure 20 months for my depressive phase to be lifted. Within those days I also reflected how pride (one of the 7 deadly sins) got the best of me. I realized that this sickness could possibly be a tool to work on my character. It took an emotional toll, financial resources, and missed out opportunities before taming the big black dog. I offered many prayers within that period. But faith alone wasn’t enough. I had to do my part to help myself.

Things to Do If You Have Depression

1) Seek Professional Help

From a therapist to a psychiatrist, you can never go wrong asking experts for their intervention. Although some shrinks may not be good at their jobs, it is always advisable to be clinically diagnosed on whatever your mind is going through. Trusting the Internet just worsens your overthinking. I had to see 3 different psychiatrists only to return to my original one. Though I got my prescription for my current antipsychotic from the third one, I returned to my initial doc for his no-nonsense psychotherapy sessions. I appreciate it better now than before when I was in rock bottom. He really did say the right things.

2) Get Runner’s High and Endorphins

I can vouch for whatever studies there are telling exercise helps alleviate the symptoms of depression. After having gone through two marathons (5km and 10km) plus the runs I had on a treadmill, I can still recall that feeling of what they call as “runner’s high.” It’s like you’re invincible. You’re not getting tired or catching breath and just feels good though your feet are somehow taking its toll. It makes you wanna run further and faster. That’s what’s addicting with running. And if you accompany it with a 7am sunlight, it even gets better. Endorphins are the hormones in the body produced during exercise like running. Keep this at an optimal level and rest assured your depression will be in check.

3) Nurture a Healthy Support System

Family, friends, relatives, and other loved ones or acquaintances deserve credit and gratitude, however big or small their attempts are to help you during your silent battle. When I was confused and didn’t know what to do with my negative thoughts, I shared through Facebook what I was going through. I now see it as attention-seeking attempt but I can’t take away the enormous amount of support from friends. There are sympathy, compassion, and even tough love offered for my soft, weakhearted self back then. Of course, my family was always there who has been constant in pushing me to overcome the big hump. I know not all of us are blessed to have a good support system like those with complicated family members. But I hope you find the persistence to seek proper guidance from the right people. However f’d up your life may be, there’s always a little bit of goodness in humanity this world has to offer.

4) Keep the Faith

Last but not the least, whatever your beliefs are, know that strengthening your spirituality would go a long way. Just like Blaise Pascal, let’s wager God or a Supreme Being exists as we got nothing to lose anyway unlike if we don’t believe. Among the Pastors that I watched were Rick Warren, Joyce Meyers, Steven Furtick, and Joel Olsteen. Websites like Desiring God and Got Questions were also helpful in furthering my faith.

Conclusion

Some people could have it worse. Remember to be grateful for the little things that we have. While depression has no definite period on how long it lasts, we still can live a meaningful life despite this difficult circumstance. All you have to do is exist. That alone is enough. Do it at least for those who love you if you no longer care for yourself. Tremendous blessings await for those who endure trials in life. Together, let’s make depression tremble and make that big black dog a tiny one.

Accepting My Bipolar Disorder Diagnosis

By National Institute of Mental Health (NIMH), National Institute of Health (NIH), U.S. Department of Health and Human Services. - https://www.nimh.nih.gov/health/publications/bipolar-disorder/index.shtml#pub1, Public Domain, https://commons.wikimedia.org/w/index.php?curid=80579612

 

Getting sick is a typical part of one’s life. But however minor it may be, nobody wants to experience such. We want to remain healthy and free of any medication. But what if you’ve been diagnosed with an illness that would stick with you for the rest of your life?

Pre-Hospitalization

Three years ago, I was living nonchalantly as a law student in my second year. It was tough but manageable. I was determined and set on a goal to finish that winding journey despite some poor grades, bad recitations, and failed subjects. There was still a chance, I kept consoling myself. Prayers and study time were there. I also bonded well with my family and friends. Everything seemed right.  However, things would go downhill one day.

My mind started to be hyperactive, making me too alert and awake that I cannot go to sleep. Back then I started to think that my brain overclocked like that of a CPU. My mood was elevated unexplainably. I just thought it’s attributed to me reading some articles on boosting your self-confidence. The tipping point of all of those was what I considered as “vision” back then of nuclear war after my sleepless nights. It made me cry so hard. Lastly, I became suspicious of the people around me.

Attempts on poisoning me, reading people’s minds, the house being bugged, FBI monitoring me, and so on were just some of the things I felt that seemed so real. It felt too realistic that when my Dad was telling me that we should go see a doctor because something’s wrong with me, I didn’t believe him. It reached that point where he had to ask four strangers to enter our home to forcibly bring me into a vehicle. I knew back then I was done—finished. “I am not doing anything wrong,” I told them. They would then reply I’d see a Doctor. I would, however, interpret it as a moniker for their evil boss.

Confinement

My arrival at what I considered as a safe house for kidnapped victims was rough. I panicked. But everyone seemed so calm so I asked what’s wrong with them. I didn’t know it was the other way around. I was the one in need of fixing. Those things I experienced eventually had a label—delusions and hallucinations. I had psychosis, a symptom of mental illness.

My stay lasted for two months. During that period, I took medications, both oral and injectable. My family was also allowed to visit me after my first month every weekend. We were emotional during our first meeting as I faced them with the realization of what had happened to me. As I was nearing my discharge, I was pumped up to resume what I missed.

Discharge

Returning home felt surreal. I was in disbelief about my behavior two months ago in the same house. Was it really me? Did it ever really happen? Those were the questions popping on my mind. But what I was certain was that it’s not the same anymore. I can’t feel the excitement I envisioned and expected. I lost interest in everything (called anhedonia) like playing games or watching movies. And my sleep still hadn’t returned to how it’s used to be. “Is this the new normal that I have to live with?”—I asked myself. So I researched how to fix my predicament. I learned these could be an after-effect of having psychotic episodes, symptoms of depression, negative (lack of or loss of) symptoms in mental illnesses like schizophrenia, or side effect of my antipsychotic med.

I ended up trying to seek help from a quack doctor, stopping my medications without Doc’s approval, seeking opinions from two other psychiatrists, and switching medication.

At present, I can say that things have improved over the past three years that I’ve been on meds and regular consultation with my original shrink. It’s just recently that he confirmed that I indeed have Bipolar Disorder I. He claims it’s like a ticking time bomb or an innate seed within me that went full blown after varied stressors got the best of me. That’s why it just manifested at age 24 (going 28 this year).

In a Facebook support group I was in, there was someone who said he has been on meds for a decade and continuing. Reading that comment upon my discharge felt alarming. Who would want to be on meds for life? Not me. But as days went by, I had accepted this new life that’s before me. 

Scripture

Among the many factors that helped me cope was this verse (2 Corinthians 12: 7-9):

...Therefore, in order to keep me from becoming conceited, I was given a thorn in my flesh, a messenger of Satan, to torment me. Three times I pleaded with the Lord to take it away from me.  But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” ...

Here, St. Paul the Apostle was given a thorn in the flesh that was not removed despite his deepest desire. In exchange, it made him more humble and dependent on God’s grace. Meditating on this passage made me thankful for the blessing of humility.

Key Things

Other factors that helped me accept my diagnosis are the following:

1) Going through the denial phase

Despite this being a negative one, I think it’s important to highlight the role of this stage in each person’s recovery whatever illness it may be. This helped me transition toward the new normal and made me learn that holding on to what had been in the past is not always healthy. It made me value what’s in store for the fresh start I needed to have.

2) Discussing in support groups

I did this online through Facebook primarily. If you’re not yet feeling confident enough to disclose your real identity (like me back then), a second account could help. Do this until you’re confident enough to use your actual one. This outlet was really helpful as you get to know people with similar situations and even chat with them with their permission. Good support groups have established rules and moderators to ensure members they are in a safe place even if it’s virtual. Message me for those I recommend.

3) Try not to overreact to people’s misconceptions

When I was barely a month outside of the psychiatric ward I was in, I’d get triggered easily by people who’d belittle mental illnesses. It would make me put myself on an unnecessary mission to educate these ignorant people that it’s a real sickness. But this made me anxious and stressed. Now, I learned that I can still spread awareness in a chill and calm way. The key is to not take it personally. We are not our disorders.

4) Keep your condition a secret not due to shame but for your protection

Some might say it’s okay for them to be open in talking about their mental health issues with anyone. But based on my Doc’s advice and my experience, it’s better not to mention it unless in very important cases. An example would be if you have anxiety and panic attacks that would significantly affect your work. So take the time to choose the person or people you’ll share this secret with as this can be used against you (worst case scenario of course). When you get to pick the right ones, it’ll feel rewarding and comforting at the same time.

Conclusion

I hope you found my first entry worthy of your time. Though not yet 100% back to my original self, I’m getting the hang of it. Let’s endure and enjoy our precious life whatever circumstances we might be in or might face. Having bipolar disorder or any mental illness is not easy. But with faith, professional help, and a support system, we can keep going. You can send me a message at neoalva.info@gmail.com for questions or maybe casual conversations.